Thoughts From Waiting Rooms

As someone with several chronic illnesses and past instances of hospitalization, I have spent a lot of time in various waiting rooms. These are a few of my observations from spending time in some of those rooms.

Primary care:

I have sat in this room many times over the past 10 years.

There used to be a fish tank.

I would sit near it to calm myself down.

The fish tank disappeared a few years ago and I’ve never felt able to ask what happened to it, what happened to those fish I loved so much.

I don’t think I want to know the answer.

I see a patient I recognize and we smile.

I see a patient I don’t recognize and we smile.

This waiting room feels comfortable

In this one room, I am safe.

ER:

I’ve been here one too many times. In one too many places.

These rooms are usually set up in the same way and I am consistent in how I handle them:

I sit with my back to the wall, with both eyes glued on the closest red exit sign.

I try to clear my mind, to levitate, to astral project, to be anywhere but here.

These rooms are forever full to capacity, but in them I feel so alone.

I can’t think of anything else besides these words, in this order:

Cacophony, chaos, contamination.

Fever, fear, frustration.

Tears, tests, terminal.

Unknown, inconclusive, abnormal.

Unsettled, restless, afraid.

Neurology:

I am the youngest person here by at least 20 years and the staff never fails to remind me of that.

Us patients are all wearing Hokas.

Our mobility aids proudly take up space!

No one looks up and we don’t look each other in the eyes.

Silently, I wish them all the best.

None of us are in this room unless we absolutely have to be.

Cardiology:

Young girls and their mothers sit in the waiting room and I try to guess who the appointment is for.

9 out of 10 times, I get it wrong.

Her card declines while paying the copay for an echocardiogram.

So she tries to pay with cash but cash is no longer accepted here.

Everyone pretends not to hear this exchange.

Some raise their phones and magazines; some politely look away.

NOTE: I am so grateful for the individuals who have been present in these rooms along with me. These are rooms that no one wants to be in, and a little bit of kindness goes such a long way. The kindness I have felt from complete strangers has lightened up some really scary experiences.